In Which I Drink Too Much

Emergency Protocol Review Board, Session 137

System Record Date: 02/17/2009

Cognition begins at 04:33:17.

04:33:17 

All systems activated. ALERT. Traction system employed, equilibrium sensors report Transport Vehicle is off balance. Navigation is unsteady. Control Room reports visual impairment, employs corrective lenses. Transport Vehicle stabilized. All systems normal.

04:47:41

Waste management systems void refuse compactors from previous date, and commences cleaning cycle. All systems normal.

05:01:37

WARNING. WARNING. Fluid Retention reports fluid levels are dangerously low. System administrators advise of immediate fluid replenishment. Clear fluids required to avoid system malfunction or equipment damage. 

05:04:11

System fluid levels now adequate. Threat of damage to the Contaminant Filtration System by calcification neutralized. All systems normal.

05:18:56

ALERT. Communication problems between Fluid Retention and Control Room result in excess fluid. Fluid Retention container now full. System administrators route all excess fluids to Emergency Fluid Reserve storage. Reserve storage full to capacity. All systems normal.

05:33:09

System administrators note for system record of the expulsion of excess methane gas via exhaust at the rear of facility. Due to previous incidents (marked in Sessions 97 and 103), supervisors on site verified that all proper emission standards were met. Air Quality sensors now reporting poor oxygen levels, but is stabilizing. All systems normal.

05:34:01

Transport Vehicle leaves headquarters. Ambient temperature sensors report current temperature of 19F degrees, activates Heat Conservation Vibration system. All systems normal.

05:39:18

Control Room reports uneven terrain ahead. Transport Vehicle motion becomes unsteady. Emergency Fluid Reserve room reports concern over possible fluid leak from Vehicle's erratic motion. All systems normal.

05:40:15

Waste Management routes waste water from Contaminant Filtration Services to Fluid Retention. ALERT. Fluid Retention container full to capacity. Emergency Fluid Reserve storage full to capacity. System administrators place all systems on a Level 1 Alert. 

05:43:17 

ALERT. Due to continued uneven terrain, Level 1 Alert upgraded to Level 3 Alert. System administrators report to Control Room the need for a suitable place to dispense all waste fluids and empty the Emergency Fluid Reserve to avoid a massive fluid leak. Plumbing facility reports concern over the durability of the pipeline for such large amounts of liquid waste. Control Room responds, increases speed of Transport Vehicle towards destination.

05:47:53

WARNING. WARNING. Level 3 Alert upgraded to Level 5 Alert. All system facilities are in CODE RED lock down. All available personnel routed to Fluid Retention to help retain fluids until a proper waste site can be located. System administrators receive reports of minor leaking from the liquid waste pipeline. ALERT. ALERT. Air Quality reports build-up of methane gas; expulsion prohibited until liquid waste can be dispensed.

05:49:30

Transport Vehicle arrives at destination. Ambient temperature sensors report a sudden drop in temperature. WARNING. WARNING. Level 6 Alert enacted.CODE YELLOW. System administrators route all cognitive services to Fluid Retention and Emergency Fluid Reserve facilities. Control Room reports a waste disposal site in close proximity. Plumbing personnel alerted.

05:50:03

WARNING. WARNING. Plumbing personnel report the pressure lock on liquid waste pipeline is failing. Control Room increases speed of Transport Vehicle, alerts of arrival at waste disposal site. System administrators approve External Services to lower protective covering. Liquid waste pipeline extended.

05:50:05

Plumbing personnel release pressure lock. System administrators open Fluid Retention and Emergency Fluid Reserve tanks, and commences liquid waste disposal. Air Quality given the approval to release methane gas via exhaust at the rear of facility. 

05:56:11

Level 6 Alert dissolved; All liquid waste dispensed without incident. Fluid Retention reporting safe levels of fluid in both regular and Emergency Reserve holding tanks. Liquid waste pipeline is retrieved, and External Services raises protective covering. System administrators receives reports from Plumbing that pressure lock is sealing properly. Control Room performs diagnostic scan of all system facilities. All systems normal.

END OF RECORD

(Review Board Note: Proper emergency protocol utilized. No need for further internal review.)

In Which I Live In A Small Town

When you live in a small town, as I do in Western Maine, there are certain things that you get to experience that you wouldn't have the opportunity to see otherwise. For example:

• Where else can you see an entire family of four with the same hair style? In addition, where else can The Mullet still be considered an acceptable choice of style?
• Where else can you see women with better, fuller mustaches than men?
• Where else can you buy a quart of motor oil, a gallon of milk, rifle ammunition, and an Italian sandwich all in the same space?
• Where else would only have one gas station with two pumps, one of which is always out of order?
• Where else is new adhesive vinyl flooring and spray paint considered remodeling?
• Where else can you find a store that stocks 37 varieties of beer, but only one cooler for water and soda combined?
• Where else is camouflage clothing considered formal wear?
• Where else can you see more spelling and grammatical errors on storefront signs than on a child's first-grade writing assignment?

It is definitely an experience, and despite the small town atmosphere with not even one traffic light, I love it here. It is quiet and life just seems to run slower out here.

Anyone want to come visit? 

In Which I Wrap Up 2008

Looking back at it now, 2008 was a roller coaster year for me.

Although you won't find any posts in my archives about it, I started out the year battling some pretty heavy personal demons. Tired of struggling alone, I realized that I desperately needed a place where nobody knew my name, so I started this blog. I wrote dozens of posts about what I was struggling with, but in the end I never actually published them. Just the act of confronting myself enough to exorcise those inner demons was enough to get me through those difficult months.

After I turned that corner, I started to write. I didn't care who read it, or what they thought of what I wrote. It felt good to write for the sake of writing. It was like therapy. I was very lonely during the first quarter of the year, and writing in this blog gave me something to work for, even if it was just for myself. Lucky for me, though, that didn't turn out to be the case. Fate led me to meet some amazing people during the spring and summer, and those people would later be the one's that would help save my life.

In August, my world as I knew it came to a screeching halt. After a visit to my neurologist in late July, I finally came to terms with what was going on with my neurological state. After living for over a year with the thought the best doctor's in my region had no idea what the source of my problems was, I was told that there is a possibility that I might have an inoperable brain tumor. All the worries, negative thoughts, and pure, cold fear that I had been pushing to the back part of my mind finally came to a head. In every sense of the word, I broke down. For months, despite the appearance of mental stability that I tried to show to others, I lived as the shattered version of who I used to be. The crushing, crippling grip of anxiety controlled my life.

The post I wrote where I first mentioned my anxiety didn't even touch the surface of what I mess I was. One moment sticks out in my mind the most. I remember sitting in the middle of my bed, with all the lights in the house on. It was hot indoors, yet I wrapped myself in as many thick blankets as I could find. I sat there, knees to my chin and my arms wrapped around my legs, checking the time on my cell phone. I spent 45 minutes that way, opening and closing my phone to check the time ever thirty seconds. With each passing second, I became more and more scared. The fear and anxiety was paralyzing, and I couldn't pull myself from it. I was scared that I would lose control and hurt myself. I was scared that I would lose resolve and give in to the thoughts of running away. My mind was in shambles, and I felt I couldn't do anything to save myself.

I sought help from my doctor, and with medication and support from my family, I slowly began to improve. It was a rough trip back up from the bottom, but the most vital part of my recovery was the support that I had from my readers on this blog. When I finally wrote about my anxiety on this blog, the outpouring of support and empathy that I received from the relative strangers that I had formed a bond with over silly stories and anecdotes was stunning. Knowing that I mattered that much to these people, who only knew me through the jumble of words that sometimes are worth a laugh, and to those to whom I am just as much of a stranger to, was enough for me to realize that there was something worth getting better for...

Myself.

I'm not going to tell you that I am 100% better, as my struggles with anxiety remain just as much a part of my life now as it was then. The difference is that I know how to control it, and I know that I have the support and love from those around me. That makes enough of a difference to allow me to return to as much normalcy in my life as is possible.

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The reasoning I promised for the questions I asked with Monday's post is because music was a major lifesaver for me during the worst part of my anxiety. Whenever I started to feel like I was losing control, I would put on some music and just let myself drown in it. So many different types of music was influential in my surviving this past year, so I wanted to know what music was important in your lives.

Here are my answers to the same questions I subjected you all to earlier:

1) What was your favorite song 10 years ago?

The only music I was allowed to listen to ten years ago was Christian music, but "What Have We Become?" by dc Talk still sends a powerful (non-religious) message. 

2) What is your favorite song now?

My favorite song now is definitely "All Nightmare Long" by Metallica. Just listen to it. You'll see what I mean... Unless you don't like hard rock or metal music.

3) What song (or songs) do you feel best represents who you are?

I didn't realize how tough this question was until I tried to answer it. I'll be vain and say one of the songs that I wrote for solo piano, "Upon Summer's End". Out of all the music I have written, I consider this to be my best. Take a listen, and while you are at it, check out some of my other music (click here).

4) What song have you heard recently that you had forgotten you really liked?

It used to be my favorite song, but this definitely has to be "Slither" by Velvet Revolver. The video for this one is kinda strange, unless you like skinny, drunk and/or chemically enhanced (I'm assuming) long-haired musicians.

5) If your life in 2008 could have a theme song, what would it be?

"Run" by Snow Patrol. It's a couple of years old, but with all I've been through this year, the lyrics in this song speak so loud to me.

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With as much sincerity and compassion as I can muster without getting too sentimental, I thank you all for being with me throughout this past year. I am serious when I say that I don't think I would have made it through if it wasn't for you.

Here's for a great 2009!

In Which I Rock Out

I've got some questions for you, my readers. Feel free to answer the question that most applies to you, answer all of them, or answer none of them at all... Whichever you prefer.

1. What was your favorite song 10 years ago?
2. What is your favorite song now?
3. What song (or songs) do you feel best represents who you are?
4. What song have you heard recently that you had forgotten you really liked?
5. If your life in 2008 could have a theme song, what would it be?

My reasoning for asking these questions will be revealed in a later post. Thank you for your input!

In Which I Get Spooked

Today is Halloween.

For most, it is the one time of the year where you are encouraged dress up like a raving lunatic, an axe murderer, a combination Pirate/Stripper, Satan's Uncle, or a naughty nurse, and people will give you candy for it.

For others, including myself, it's just another day of the week. I don't get into Halloween too much, which is something I blame entirely on my parents.

Why, you ask?

After a couple of years of Trick-Or-Treating, my parents didn't let my sisters and I celebrate Halloween anymore. Instead, they took us rollerskating.

ROLLERSKATING. ON HALLOWEEN.

Now, before you get to thinking that a Halloween-themed rollerskating party might not be all that bad, let me explain that it wasn't that way at all. There were no costumes allowed, and there was no candy. The rink was void of any spooky decorations, and instead of creepy music and "The Monster Mash" being played over the loudspeakers, they played alternative Christian rock. A local Christian radio station hosted/sponsored the event by renting out a couple of rollerskating rinks in the area, touting it as a safe and fun alternative to the traditional Halloween.

As someone who routinely had (and still has) trouble with coordination in shoes without wheels, I'm not sure why my parents thought that I'd have fun rollerskating. They'd hand me a pair of clunky brown rental skates and shove me off towards the rink, wobbling and careening wildly all over the place. I'd pull myself along the wall by the railing, cruising at a cool 3.7 miles-per-hour. Towards the end of the night I would gain enough confidence and skill to skate around the rink on my own away from the wall, but it was inevitable that I'd forget about the rubber bumper "brake" on the front of the skate and fall forward on my knees.

Even now as an adult, there isn't going to be any Halloween celebrating this year, either.

For those who are getting out tonight, have fun, be safe, and be sure to blog about it afterwards!