We all experience moments that bring our lives to a screeching halt, those moments that force us to accept the fact that we are not in control. It is a frightening and humbling feeling, one that we have to acknowledge in order to continue with our lives. For me, sometimes I feel like I'm a junkyard dog reaching the end of his chain, running forward and suddenly being jerked backwards into the dust. Other times it feels like I'm hydroplaning and I've overcompensated, my car spinning 'round until the brakes finally catch, slamming me to a stop. The adrenaline eventually stops pumping and I'll catch my breath, dust myself off, and come to know that something has changed.
I had one of those moments last week, and I am still struggling to rid myself of the fear that it placed inside of me.
My father spent a night in the hospital last week for speculation that he had an infection that settled in his heart. This came after weeks of not feeling well and having difficulty breathing, and his doctor was running out of ideas. My mother called me up and told me about all that was happening, and as she spoke I felt that old familiar chain yank backwards on my neck. I listened carefully as she explained the situation, and breathed a little easier when she told me that it was just speculation based upon incomplete test results. More would be known when all of the results came back, but they would have to keep him overnight just to be safe.
I got off the phone and stood in silence in the kitchen, my mind racing. I thought about his history of high blood pressure, of tachycardia, of high cholesterol. I thought of hundreds of horrible things, each burst of imagination like its own nightmare, unable to stop my mind from its progression despite all of the assurances from my mother that he would be fine.
In the end, he was fine. He was discharged the following afternoon after his doctors dismissed any thought of an infection in his heart. It was a bit of a scare for all of us, and it served as a reminder, to me especially, that life isn't as stable as it seems. It hasn't exactly been a long time since I've felt as helpless as I did last week, but being on the other side of the situation helped me gain some perspective.
Everything about life is fragile. We shouldn't take any moment with our loved ones for granted, or just assume that they will always be there. The winds that control our lives could change at any moment.
P.S. I don't know if this makes any sense to anyone but me, but I hope you know what I'm trying to say. Sometimes there are thoughts in my mind that make perfect sense until I try to put them on paper.
