In Which I Hold My Breath

I am fortunate enough to work from home most days of the week. I have a weekly meeting with my boss, though, and make the commute to the office once a week to attend this meeting in person. 

My office is in a fairly big town about an hour away from where I live. I grew up there, so it is very familiar to me, and sometimes I get a little nostalgic when I make these weekly trips. My commute this week reminded me why I am glad to live far, far away from it. 

You see, this town has a distinct smell.

I had previously thought it was difficult to describe, until I was on the phone yesterday with my wife, driving towards my office.

"Man, the city smells today," I said. 

"Yeah?" she asked. 

"Yeah, it always has this unique smell."

"Like what?"

I paused for a moment. 

"It smells like homelessness and despair..." I said, trailing off. I breathed in. The bread factory nearby must have been in full swing. "And sometimes bread."

My wife laughed. "What does homelessness, despair and bread smell like?"

"Oh you know... Like Walmart."

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What does your city/town smell like?

In Which I Flashback

(Author's Note: I have more than 400 posts from the original version of this blog, so from time to time I'll be recycling them. Here's one from September 2011.)

If I was a young, impressionable kid, and I saw this at the store, I'd be horrified:

Once I got over the excitement of seeing one of the characters I've seen on TV on something tangible, I'd start to realize what was awfully wrong about it. 

First of all, she's obviously been in a tragic steamroller accident, because she's very, very flat. I would then imagine that someone tried to save her from the steamroller but only succeeded in stretching her arms and hands out like Stretch Armstrong, and somehow her gargantuan hands got turned into cup holders. Clearly something awful happened with her legs, as they're pretty short. Maybe they only look short because of her ginormous arms and torso. 

This is a prime example of going to far for the sake of product tie-ins. When I was a kid, my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle underwear was enough for me.

In Which I Make Things Awkward

I accepted the fact that I am socially awkward a long time ago. There is no sense in trying to deny it, as it would be like trying to deny that gravity is what keeps us from floating off into space. Besides that, there is only so many times one can experience awkward and embarrassing social situations in pretty much every aspect of their life before realizing that the common denominator to all those situations is themselves. 

A prime example of this is what happened at the grocery store this past weekend. 

My items were on the belt at the checkout line: a four-pack of blueberry muffins, a dozen eggs, a gallon of orange juice, a cheap bottle of champagne, and a jug of store brand drain cleaner. I fully realize that one of those things really didn't belong, but outside of items for breakfast that morning, I had been forgetting to pickup the drain cleaner all week and I finally remembered. 

The cashier greeted me and started to scan my items. Everything seemed normal enough, but when she got to the drain cleaner she gave me a curious look. 

I wasn't sure what to say, so I figured I'd crack a joke.

"Ever had a mimosa with splash of Drano in it?" I asked.

Her curious expression turned to one of surprised suspicion.

"It really cleans you out," I continued.

She cast a look to her co-worker who was bagging my items at the end of the checkout lane, and then looked back at me. She laughed nervously and took a step back. 

It was then that I realized that I, a man in his  early thirties, probably shouldn't be joking about mixing alcohol and corrosive chemicals together with a cashier who probably wasn't old enough to vote in the last presidential election. 

Probably shouldn't joke about that with anyone, really. 

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Let's be embarrassed together. What socially awkward things have you done?