We all experience moments that bring our lives to a screeching halt, those moments that force us to accept the fact that we are not in control. It is a frightening and humbling feeling, one that we have to acknowledge in order to continue with our lives. For me, sometimes I feel like I'm a junkyard dog reaching the end of his chain, running forward and suddenly being jerked backwards into the dust. Other times it feels like I'm hydroplaning and I've overcompensated, my car spinning 'round until the brakes finally catch, slamming me to a stop. The adrenaline eventually stops pumping and I'll catch my breath, dust myself off, and come to know that something has changed.
I had one of those moments last week, and I am still struggling to rid myself of the fear that it placed inside of me.
My father spent a night in the hospital last week for speculation that he had an infection that settled in his heart. This came after weeks of not feeling well and having difficulty breathing, and his doctor was running out of ideas. My mother called me up and told me about all that was happening, and as she spoke I felt that old familiar chain yank backwards on my neck. I listened carefully as she explained the situation, and breathed a little easier when she told me that it was just speculation based upon incomplete test results. More would be known when all of the results came back, but they would have to keep him overnight just to be safe.
I got off the phone and stood in silence in the kitchen, my mind racing. I thought about his history of high blood pressure, of tachycardia, of high cholesterol. I thought of hundreds of horrible things, each burst of imagination like its own nightmare, unable to stop my mind from its progression despite all of the assurances from my mother that he would be fine.
In the end, he was fine. He was discharged the following afternoon after his doctors dismissed any thought of an infection in his heart. It was a bit of a scare for all of us, and it served as a reminder, to me especially, that life isn't as stable as it seems. It hasn't exactly been a long time since I've felt as helpless as I did last week, but being on the other side of the situation helped me gain some perspective.
Everything about life is fragile. We shouldn't take any moment with our loved ones for granted, or just assume that they will always be there. The winds that control our lives could change at any moment.
P.S. I don't know if this makes any sense to anyone but me, but I hope you know what I'm trying to say. Sometimes there are thoughts in my mind that make perfect sense until I try to put them on paper.
19 Comments:
I understand completely what you are saying. In the past 5 months I have lost 2 people in my life that I never thought I would ever see leave this earth. Life is fragile, life is sacred and life is not promised to us. It can end in the blink of an eye. These past few months reminded me of that and now I take every opportunity to tell my friends and family how much I love them and how much they mean to me. You never know when you might not have that chance again.
I understand as well. You have to remember every day how fleeting life is and that you must hug and cherish each moment (and person) as they come as much as you can. Thank goodness your dad was OK.
I understand, in a palpable way(if that makes sense). Compassion, gratitude, fragility, it is all in there. ~Mary
Having just had a death in my own family, albeit unexpected, I am so with you. You articulated well...the car spinning metaphor is a good one.
Life is sacred, as Kat said. It can be hard to remember in the minutae of life, but it's important nonetheless.
I am glad your dad is ok, though!
It makes total sense. When we found out that my mom had breast cancer, a few years ago, I was walking catatonic for about a week. I was scared to death.
She made it through, though, and has now been in remission for about 4 years. Every year that passes, we all breathe a little easier.
I am glad your dad is alright.
I know exactly how you feel. Over the summer, my dad was in and out of the hospital and we really thought we might lose him. He had a tear in the main artery that feeds his large intestine. Because of the length and placement of the tear, there was no way to fix it. They put him on blood thinners, hoping this would help alleviate the problem. Its working so far, and in time it may heal itself. But it took them weeks to figure out why he was feeling like he was having a heart attack and it was scary having him in and out of the hospital and then shipped downtown to a more suitable hospital. My whole world felt different at the time and it was very very scary. It really puts things into perspective, and makes you appreciate what you have so much more. I am so happy for you that your dad is okay and things are better.
I'm glad your dad is okay and I totally understand what you're saying. Big (((Hugs)))
*Hugs*
This makes more sense than most bullshit people talk about. I am so glad your dad was ok, and really- I'm glad you posted this. It's hard to explain, but I needed to read about something real.
Makes sense to me. Everyonce in a while we forget about the bullshit of our everyday lives and realize how fleeting it could be.
The Fragile.
Very scary.
It's difficult for me to make my mind work in those types of situations... It's like I have to process each thought individually... and VERY slowly.
I hope you're feeling better. Fear is difficult to shake sometimes.
Yeah, I get it. Been there too many times with too many people. So glad your dad is okay.
I am so worried that something will happen to my dad while I am in India - it does not paralyze me but it floats in the back of my head - I know exactly what you are trying to say and I am glad your dad is okay. Hug him tight for all of those who can't reach their fathers with their arms right now.
To All: Thank you for your caring and support for my father. He is going to have a couple of tests throughout the next couple of weeks to further rule out any of the major problems that this all could be.
As for me, well, I'm doing alright... better than I would be without the support from all of you. Thank you.
I feel you. I'll be huggin' the padre tight when I see him this weekend.
You put into words the feelings that I've experienced too many times.
That's life, though.
More importantly, I'm very very glad your dad seems to be fine.
Babe, it's all about being positive. Life is scary. I'm glad your Dads okay. :)
What a moving post...I completely understand what you are saying..
My husband (age 40) suffered 3 massive coronaries that finally resulted in a triple bypass last spring. With all of the damage, they think his heart may hold out for about 5 more years....to me that is the blink of an eye...It really taught me to slow down and savor every single moment.
Glad to hear your father is better:)
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